Naruto: Terror Strikes
by A-kun
Summary: When Kakashi needs to leave on an ANBU mission, he doesn't want Team 7 to simply lay about with the Chuunin Exams coming up, so he pays a Jonin to take over while he's away.


Naruto wasn't sure if he should be impressed or disgusted by the amount of trash the ancient world made. According to Cerl, their replacement leader while Kakashi was away on a top secret mission and didn't want them to get sloppy with the Chuunin Exams coming up, it was a place where garbage went when the old families went about pitching things because they had "no value".

The Third Hokage wasn't entirely sure that it was all as worthless as the records from the ancient world had indicated, thus Cerl had brought the barely-teenage Genins here to investigate and see if there was anything of value. It was ranked a C-rank mission, but largely because no one was willing to do it if it was only a D-rank mission. Plus, it had to be classified as a C-rank since D-rank missions weren't allowed to go beyond Konoha's walls.

"Okay, find a pile and start searching. I've heard needles might have been carelessly tossed away in here, so be careful." Cerl explained.

The search had been largely fruitless for the first two hours, except when Sasuke somehow got an old soda ring caught around his throat several times, forcing the others to stop and saving their gagging companion.

It wasn't until Naruto had been unable to resist climbing to the top of the nearest heap and declaring himself "King of All He Surveyed", no doubt so he could tell Sakura to "give him some sugar". However, his heap fell apart underneath him, revealing an otherwise unscathed treasure from the ancient days.

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Rock Lee was a fine martial artist, a praise worthy genin, a true taijutsu master and a self-proclaimed burning spirit of Konoha.

He was also scared shitless as a massive... strange... THING that looked like a metal box easily eight times the size of Maito Gai's summon Ninkame, with light glowing from impassive orbs that seemed like eyes, smashed through the wall nearest to him, stopping mere inches from slamming into him. Luckily, he was sitting in a restroom stall trying to relieve some stubborn meal that refused to leave him. In some ways, he was partly grateful to the massive creature, despite his admiration towards his sphincter's unbending resistance; but then the strange creature began dancing and playing what his sensei had once called appropriate for "Mexican Hat Dancing".

"HA HA! You drive like an old man!" came Naruto Uzumaki's triumphant voice as the blonde-haired genin stuck his head out of the right side of the creature's head, "That's a month's worth of ramen you owe me."

Sasuke Uchiha stuck his head out the other side of the creature's head, a very deep scowl on his face, "Like you're much better."

"I didn't run through a wall." Naruto shot back triumphantly, as the two climbed out of the creature's head, "And I can remember which one is the brake and which is the clutch."

A wing near the back of the creature opened and dispensed the worried-looking pink-haired kunoichi, Sakura Haruno, and a rather bored-looking blonde kunoichi. Rock knew her face and rank as a Jonin, but not her name. Mostly because Neji Hyuuga always flinched whenever she walked by, which had originally surprised his teammates, Ten Ten and Rock, since the Hyuuga boy was usually as unflappable as Sasuke Uchiha.

"You okay, kid?" the blonde girl asked with mild concern, seeing as Rock hadn't really noticed the pieces of porcelain sticking out of his head. The injuries seemed to realize they'd penetrated flesh just then and several tiny fountains of blood came out of Rock's head.

Sakura acted quickly, brushing the debris away from Rock's face and covering the injuries with small bandaids. Of course, Sakura then noticed Rock's state of undress and the smell of his recent release. Rock seemed to notice as well, covering himself while he flushed the toilet.

"I know he's bigger than Sasuke, but you shouldn't stare, Sakura. It's not nice." the blonde said, forcefully turning the pink-haired girl around with her so they could leave Rock to clean himself up and get decent while they, Sasuke and Naruto examined their strange box.

"Man, these 2018 models were durable." Naruto commented, wiping some of the dust and debris off the "head" of the strange thing to reveal that it wasn't even scratched. Rock quickly washed his hands, trying in vain to tear his eyes from the group. He was actually partly surprised no one had come to investigate the sudden crash.

"So, what is this?" Rock asked as he approached the group, who were now debating how to get the oddity out.

"It was called an 'Ess Ewe Vee'. It was a vehicle made in ancient times to transport people or goods long distances in less time than it takes to move by wagon. Apparently, there was a whole debacle about these things." the blonde explained.

Rock was amazed, "So it is not a vengeful spirit or monster who devoured you?"

The others stared at him, before non-verbally accepting the fact that, when one didn't know what a Ess Ewe Vee was, it did seem like a strange monster.

"No. We've all been taking turns driving it. Apparently, this model works using a mix of vegetable oil and electricity. Whoever designed it was pretty smart, since it's pretty dependable, needs more electricity than vegetable oil and can seat about twenty." the girl Rock didn't know explained, "I'm Cerl, by the way. The girl with the pink hair is Sakura, the blonde boy is Naruto, and the pouting boy in the corner is Sasuke."

Rock blinked, "Oh, forgive me. I forgot my manners. My name is Rock Lee. I was simply eager to learn about this strange whale of a vehicle."

Cerl gave an evil smirk, "You wanna drive it?"

Rock seemed eager to participate in the strange game of directing the Ess Ewe Vee.

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Rock got teased for driving slowly at first, but as he developed a sense for handling the vehicle, he turned out to be one of the most accomplished of the group, capable of steering, braking and parking in ways that left Sasuke figuratively green with envy. The game that the quartet were engaged in seemed to include finding and picking up someone else they knew, who would invariably be the next driver.

Well, Cerl admitted that was a newly created rule. She seemed about as mischievious as Naruto had been in the ninja academy, and neither Sasuke or Sakura seemed to appreciate the game being called "Find A Worse Driver Than Sasuke", but Naruto and Cerl just grinned it off.

Inside the Ess Ewe Vee, it was quite spacious. Rock knew of caravan wagons which would have paled in comparison, since there were six rows of three seats (besides the driver and 'shotgun' seats) and a variety of coolers (which the group had provided) filled with snacks and beverages. In the 'trunk' space was extra vegetable oil and a few scrolls containing electric ninjutsus that were properly tuned to recharge the vehicle's battery.

Rock stopped as he found Hinata Hyuuga, and swapped with her.

Hinata also wasn't a bad driver, but whenever Naruto gave her a compliment, it seemed like she was in a stock car race as the vehicle shot through the streets of Konoha, roaring like a miniature demon. It didn't help that while Hinata kept the vehicle on the road, she scared everyone else with her habit of managing to avoid people, carts, animals, bits of bread, dimes, etc. If any of the people inside the Ess Ewe Vee knew about the ancient show 'Star Trek', they would have been put off to know they were doing the same overly dramatic swaying that the cast of that show was known for. Only they weren't being overly dramatic. And Cerl was the one to grab the nurse's breasts from behind. Sakura was quite miffed at the fact that Cerl's hands didn't leave her breasts nearly as quickly as she'd wanted them to.

Hinata stopped as they found Ino Yamanaka. Ino was eager to find out how her skills stacked up against Sakura's.

"Okay, Ino, I'd like you to reverse whatever you did." Cerl said. The girl had good control, but somehow, without realizing it, the group had found themselves on top of the Hokage's Tower.

Ino got flustered, swung the wheel, switch gears and hit the gas pedal.

The group finally stopped in an unfamiliar area. Well, it was unfamiliar at first.

"By the Hokage... how the hell did we get to Training Ground 28!" Sakura asked, glancing around the forbidden training ground which hadn't been legally accessible to any ninja since the time of the Second Hokage.

Everyone agreed, Ino included, that Ino should stop driving for a while. Rock drove the group back into the city with amazing proficiency and, most importantly, without getting caught.

Eventually, everyone decided the game was done for the day.

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Months Later...

No one can keep a good game from turning into something else. Once it was established who were the good drivers, (Rock, Shino, Naruto, Shikamaru, Choji, Ten Ten, Sakura, Kurenai, Ibiki and Cerl); who wouldn't ever drive it (Tsunade, Shizune and Jiraiya); and who were terrible drivers (Sasuke, Ino, Neji (to his eternal displeasure), Kiba (he and Akamaru both preferred being passengers anyway), Kakashi, Gai, Asuma, and Anko), the Ess Ewe Vee became one of the most popular means to get to and from missions. Rock and Gai were originally against it, but seeing as the vehicle could move faster than most ninjas and no one knew when someone might get injured, it became 'acceptable'.

Plus, when Sasuke, Hinata or Ino drove, it made for an awesome ambush tactic. Seven A and S-Class Missing Nin missions had ended with Sasuke managing to run them over, even though he wasn't intending to do so. Hinata had managed the impressive record of fifty-seven kills in six seconds when she accidentally put the Ess Ewe Vee in reverse while Naruto complimented her.

No one, not even the Legendary Sannin Orochimaru, could figure out how the hell Ino had gotten the Ess Ewe Vee in the rogue Sannin's closet, but the look of horror on the 'master' ninja as the massive vehicle dropped from the top shelf and ran him over was well worth it to both Jiraiya and Tsunade, even though both of the surviving Sannins had wound up choking on their chilled sake when Naruto had chosen the precise moment of their toast to his death to hit the horn, initiating the mexican music and 'dancing' (as Lee put it) to punctuate their victory.

With Orochimaru and Kabuto dead (Kabuto had been crushed when Anko had used Kawarimi No Jutsu to swap placed with Ino and run the evil medic-nin over), Sasuke and Anko were freed from their curse seals, and Sasuke never felt the urge to betray Konoha or become a Missing Nin, though that might have been somewhat motivated by the fact that Ino had an unnerving knack for finding people, even though the Ess Ewe Vee often wound up in strange places with her at the wheel.

Itachi and the Akatsuki had permanently disbanded when they'd received word that Ino may drive the gang to find the evil group. Itachi found a quiet village in the middle of Nowhere, Wind Country, and had a brief but successful life as a part-time gigolo and full-time chef, before Ino and the Ess Ewe Vee ambushed him from his oven and killed the Uchiha traitor and ruined his souffle by putting tire tracks on it. It was, perhaps, the most dignified death anyone from the Akatsuki was able to get.

All in all, the Ess Ewe Vee went on to become the most trusted piece of equipment in Konoha.

And Ino Yamanaka had to swear to never drive it ever again.

None of them seemed to realize that Kakashi had been missing for months, but Kakashi didn't mind. He was enjoying his new life as a 'special' slave to one of the kinky nins from the Village of Hidden Undergarments.

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Blood On The Highway

OR

Ino Yamanaka's Adventure With The Ess Ewe Vee

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I was partly inspired to write this because of firefly's Naruto fanfic, "Joy Ride". The rest just came to me. BTW, I know some people wouldn't be THAT bad of a driver, but this is my story, so shut up.

As for why I chose to pick on Ino, it's largely becuase almost everyone else gets something spectacular as their ability. Ino's ability to swap places with others stinks with it's limitations, so I figured I'd give her the proud honor of having vehicularly slaughtered two S-rank Missing Nins.

As for the vehicle, I could have put up the effort to put it in a special train cargo car, made to stand up the tests of weather, but I thought that would ruin the flow of the admittedly short story.

Why I didn't have Kakashi as the leader? The Copy-Cat Ninja would never bother with such a lame assignment.

How does everyone know each other if it's BEFORE the Chunin Exam? Well, let's play pretend and say that everyone had attended a social gathering and gotten to know everyone else.

As for Cerl? She's more based on Cerl from Breath of Fire than the Cerl who popped up in Akane Revised. In this story, she actually IS Cerl from Breath of Fire, which is why Neji flinches whenever he sees her aura. I made her a Jonin because she'd equate to that rank since she was once a commander in the Dark Dragon army, and that would translate to either Chunin or Jonin Rank. I chose Jonin because it would more likely for a "substitute" teacher.

I'll play with Cerl more in the Naruto universe, probably give her a distinctive background and a work history.

BTW, in case anyone complains that the group shouldn't know each other: Team 7 introduced itself, Rock would probably know Hinata (since she and Neji are related), Sakura knew Ino, and the later events would continue the use of the machine.

A-kun


End file.
